I’ve joked about grumpy old men being part of my spirit animal, and have joked about one day becoming a grumpy old man myself, but i’ll never be the “Grumpy old bastard” or “Grumpy old dumb ass” this girl encountered. 

I watched the movie “Masterminds” for two reasons, Zach Galifianakis, and the story was based in North Carolina and I remember when it went down.   ZG plays a bumbling fool pretty well.

This is a fictionalized take on the story, but I’m sure there is quite a bit of truth in there somewhere. 

This is a bit distorted because it was taken from a drone, but this is a shot of a road I used to fly on as a teenager. Get in the car late at night and drive. At times I miss doing that.   The overlook was nice on it’s own, but it was fun speeding through the night. 

Stray Thoughts: 5/6/2017

I had two
dreams last night in which I recall enough of them to comment.

In the first
dream, I was in a Lowes store.  I’m not
sure what I was picking up but I had a couple of things in my cart and I was
near the ceiling fan section and there was a man arguing with the Lowes
employee about something being out of stock. He said his “puter”(I’ve
heard that at Wal-mart near Atlanta
before),said that the store had model xyz in stock. The girl took him to the
shelf and showed him the empty space. She walked him over to a terminal and
showed him a zero on the screen, she made a quick call and he was huffing and
puffing and using some not so nice language and he was saying “By God I’ll
go to Home Depot”.  

A voice
boomed, “GO TO HOME DEPOT”, and he turned around startled and the
actor(Geno Segers) that played “Chayton”, from the show
“Banshee”(also in a Navy Federal Credit Union Commercial) was
standing there in a Lowes smock that barely fit him. Needless to say Johnny the
Jack Ass changed his tune and bought an in-stock model. He didn’t quite
apologize to the girl, but he didn’t cause anymore trouble.  Maybe Lowes should hire a bouncer for each
store to scare the shit out of unruly customers.

The second
one was pretty simple. I was leaning on a deck at a mountain cabin looking at
the nearby stream Watching it flow, listing to the water trickle over the rocks
as it passed by. I was drinking my morning jar of coffee and I heard the door

I turned
around and a woman walked out with a more conventional mug and wearing a
robe.  She sat down on the picnic table and
sipped at the morning brew. We were talking about needing to do this, or that
later that day. It felt like were talking about needing to close off the area
under the deck to make it more secure for some tools, a lawn mower and
everything of that sort. I pointed out a pretty fat Cardinal(the North Carolina state
bird) sitting on a limb of a nearby tree; when i turned back around her robe
was open. Time for breakfast.

This is the view from dinner earlier. On the back deck of a pizza joint.  Down below on the patio they had a guy picking on a guitar and singing mostly classic rock with some outlaw country mixed in. He was pretty decent. I didn’t hear a version of a song I liked that made me curl my toes, so that is a good thing.

Stray thoughts: 5/3/2017

The calendar
turns to another month and my sleeping brain turns to another strange dream

I was in one
of the newer Dodge Challengers. Matte Black on Black, dark as coal in the
middle of the night. I was driving, well I was flying on I-40 at 3 am somewhere
west of Tennessee

I’m not quite sure where I was headed, and I don’t think i was running from
anything. Late at night, nobody on the road, I think I simply wanted to fly.
The car was climbing above 140 and felt like she had plenty left.

The Doors “L.A. Woman”, was blaring through the speakers.
“Risin’! Risin’!”. That caused
me to press down on the gas some and 150 was now behind me. I was somewhere in Oklahoma, I saw a couple of exits that would take me to Tulsa. I started to
wonder if I was closer to Barstow or Wilmington.

I spotted a blurry white streak off to my right and it looked like a woman. I
slowed down and eventually spun around. There wasn’t another car in sight. I
passed where she was sitting on a guard rail, I spun around again and pulled
off on the shoulder. I asked, “Is there anyway I can help you?”  She looked up, tears streaked down her face.
She was wearing a white cotton chemise and a pair of white panties. Mid 30’s was my
guess, her wavy brown hair looked slept in and she had a tiny gap between her
front two teeth, it was cute, she was cute. She stood up and gave something a
fling, and walked closer to the car. She leaned down on the door not realizing
her breasts were in full view. It was hard not to look, they were nice. She
said, “can you just get me out of here.”  I said “hop in”.

Since it was
middle of the summer, I had the AC on full blast and since she was barely
dressed I cut it down. I said, “if you reach back in the back seat you’ll
find a hoodie and a pair of gym shots in the duffel bag if you are chilly”,
while knowing any jeans or pants I had in the bag would have no chance of fitting
her.  She got up in the seat and reached
back and her ass was right there. Again, hard not to look but driving 70 at
this point was nothing.

She found the
shorts and slid them on up under the chemise, she then pulled it over her
head and wiggled into the sweatshirt and said “thank you”. I said,
“You’re welcome”, and asked, “where she wanted to go”. She
had her feet up in the seat and arms wrapped around them and asked, “Where
are you headed?”. I said, “I’m have no idea.” She smiled and
said, “I’ve been there, it’s nice.”

I stepped on
the gas to get up to around 100 to cruise through the Oklahoma night, which is the point that I
started to wake up.  

Stray Thoughts: 4/6-7/2017

Stray Thoughts: 4/6-7/2017

I started writing
this out on 4/6.

Watching the first
day of the Masters with Scott Van Pelt and Curtis Strange reminds me of the time
a group of my friends and I in a way crossed paths with Strange at the GGO in Greensboro.

This goes back to
91, or 92, 93 at the latest, but a group of us headed down to Greensboro to the tournament. I’m fairly
certain it was a Friday  and the first
stop was a grocery store for a couple of cases of beer. As you know some handle
alcohol better than others. Well, about four to five to some is like a twelve
pack to others, so before we were even out of the van things were getting loud.

We get there and

Then the day got in the way

Picked it back up
on 4/7.

We get there and
the first thing Andy(using YD&B
names again) does is nearly get in a fight with some guy waiting in line at the
porta-Jons. He had to go and jumped in line. At that point I slipped my watch
off and put it in my pocket because with the way his drunk was acting you had
to be on “alert”.

Seth and Jesse were
over there talking to the guy that Andy pissed off, now whether they were
trying to calm things down or stir it up even more who really knows.  Kelly and I walked over to one of the food
tents grabbing a BBQ sandwich and a Pepsi to wash it down.  Andy exits the porta-Jon and Seth sneaks in
saying “suckers”. Andy walked over to the food tent and got a box for
his food. I guess he was hungry. He had a little bit of everything in there.

We walked around
various spots, and there is usually two ways to approach a golf tournament. You
either follow a group around the course, or you stake out a spot and watch
everyone come through. The first half of the day we followed big hitter John
Daly around the course then in the afternoon we set up off to the right of a
hole right below the green. The bigger hitters could find their approach shot
on the green, the rest anywhere from 5-50 yards shy so we got to see a lot of
players chip on to the green.

Andy was worn out
and ready to go. He wanted a nap. He started off going down to one knee. Then
he sat down with his legs out and then he quite simply laid back. Before you
knew it he was snoring. Passed the fuck out on hole whatever at the GGO. If it
were televised(no clue about that), I’m sure the commentators would have had
some fun with him.

Curtis Strange
approaches his ball, he’s trying to chip it up on to the green and he looks
over at us. He backs off the ball and shakes his head. His caddy comes up to
see if he needed a different club. He points over towards us, well Andy, and
he’s laughing with his caddy.  He
approaches the ball again, he goes through the motions, looks up again over in
our direction and laughs again, shakes his head and backs off.  This time a PGA official with his group walks
up and Strange points again and the guy radio’s in to someone else.  Strange goes back to the ball, lines up, hits
it, it makes the green, and as he walks towards the green he yells over.
“Drink another one!”.

A few minutes
later, security rides up on a golf-cart and tells us that our friend needs to
stand up. One of us said, “you wake his fat ass up.” Seth walks over
and starts nudging him in the arm with his foot.  "Wake up" he says. Kelly says
“get up fat ass”. He finally starts to move and gets  up all in a panic, “what’s wrong? what’s
going on?”. We tell him that he passed out  and that Curtis Strange laughed his ass off at
him, and this security guard says you need to stand up.

We watch for a
little while longer, and finally decide we’ve had enough. We are on our way out
when Andy jumps in line at the porta-Jon again, this time telling the guy he
passed that he either goes first or he pisses right there.  The guy said “go ahead buddy”. Seth
is trying to talk Jesse into knocking it over, but Kelly and I looked at them
and said “are you that stupid?”
“While it would be funny as hell he has to ride home with us,
nobody wants that.” They agreed and we left.  

Andy was catching
his second wind a nap will do that for you. He then bellows out, “Take me
to a titty bar.”  Someone tells him
it’s 4 or 5 o’clock ( I put my watch back on)  and again he demands “Take me to a titty
bar.”   Then he remembers that some
topless establishment in Greensboro
has started a topless carwash, the problem was he didn’t know which one. So
down comes the window at the traffic light. The lady in the blue Volvo didn’t
know where the “topless car wash” was. So he orders Kelly to pull
into a gas station.   He comes out with
directions and we are on our way to a topless car wash.

They had a little
league style bench set up with your car right in front of it with 2-3 strippers
washing the car while music blared out of some over-worked speakers.  It was 20-25 dollars plus tips and Andy put
it on his grandfather’s credit card and after about 30 minutes we finally left.
We had to stop again at a gas station so Kelly could clean the
windshield(imagine that).

We get back on I-40
and head towards Winston-Salem
and Andy wants to stop and eat. “I’m Buying”, Seth says, “don’t
you mean Jackson
is buying”, “I’m buying everybody’s meal & drinks but
yours.” We pull into a Sagebrush and ate well.  A $350.00 bar/meal tab
later (Seth’s included) we climb back in the mini-van and head for home. 10
minutes after being back on the road Andy is snoring again.

After using my
friend Goo-gle, she’s still French, it seems the bar/carwash is still in
business and even found a New
York Times
article about it, it seems the guy wanted the space to make
money during the day, smart guy.

Seeing Curtis
Strange on TV reminded me of this story, so I thought I would share it. I’m
sure he’s seen many a drunk fucker on a golf course, but I do wonder if this
story would even register with him today.